The penny dropped!

So the penny dropped last night, after walking religiously everyday more than 12 miles, I suddenly realised what my challenge entails. Four marathons in four days. I don't think my feet will ever forgive me. I need to quickly fast forward and speak to ‘6 glasses of wine Simon’ who can do anything, where is that crazy bastard, he’d know what to say! Anyway, game on bitches, I’m already fed up of moaning about my walking boots, the rain, damp cold, gusting wind, sudden dusk, my music downloads, rustley walking trousers, annoying blisters, endless hangovers and never having enough hours in the day! Please sponsor us, if nothing else, it’s for a great cause, if you already sponsor a charity please share our page/link to friends, who might be interested in our challenge/misery.
I’ll keep blogging here at ‘ePISTemic traveller’ where you’ll find regular updates, awful unflattering pictures of the bedraggled and loads of amazing scenery! 

http://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/fundraiser-web/fundraiser/showFundraiserProfilePage.action?userUrl=Philwareing1&isTeam=true

Hadrian's wall coast to coast starts here!

"I need your help" are words you probably will never hear me say (I think I've asked one person...in this lifetime), but offer help, is what I'm known for....plus drinking, staying out late, stage diving, singing, running man dancing and a few other debauched behaviours. I'm doing a charity walk to raise money for Macmillan nurses, with a gang of amazing people, coast to coast Hadrian's Wall.
The odds are against us, as it's May in England, so will probably snow, sleet, hail and blow the bejesus of out of us with gale force winds.....although even more of a concern.....its up north.....as in north of Watford! The organiser speaks northern, so at least can translate and keep us navigating toward the next stop (as in pub). Its forecast for rain, with highs of 2degrees.....as you know I'm from Wales, so should be used to this (oh those endless summers in Wales, you can't beat that shade of grey anywhere in the world), but unfortunately the south has taken me as one of its own, thus making me slightly soft and although not made of sugar (I won't melt in the rain), slightly less rugged(than I was!).
I hasten to add, we might not even stop at a pub over the course of 24hours, so I'm really gambling with the elements. So after taking advice from Bear Grylls and Betty Ford, I'm confident I can make it through!
As some of you may or may not know Colin was diagnosed with stage four cancer and through some miracle/aggressive oncologist/endless nagging pulled through to ten years cancer free. Fuck you cancer. The Macmillan nurses were truly brilliant.
So I need your help, to sponsor me......see it as a way to guilt me into finishing, think of the suffering (the people walking alongside me, listening to me witter on), the sobriety (will we ever find a pub in this outback) and the shame (looking dishevelled, with a bag lady look, hair like a chickens arse, smelling like a wet grandmother).

Reality bites and sobriety sucks!

So while the UK enjoys it's month of sobriety and the dryathletes of January 2016 rest their livers, I hurtle towards Knightsbridge for happy hour 'pornstar martinis' and then birthday/Christmas dinner, a set price that includes unlimited champagne(small print: within an hour and a half timescale). Challenge accepted. If I don't hit double figures and ruin this special offer for the rest of London, my name is not Simon Baxendale!
Wish me luck I'm going in, I'm doing this for all the trapped inner drinkathletes trapped by guilt!!
#knowsnomoderation
#drinkathleteandproud

Happy New You (Year)

December was a perfect fit to the end of a crazy year, but December you've nearly won. After a month of debauched drinking, consecutive late nights, excessive relentless partying, I think I'm proverbially broken. I've seen 7am too many times and not for the right reason. I'm sure you know, I've no concept of moderation or boundaries.... limits or refusals..... or indeed the word 'No' but maybe this old dog could learn that new trick. I meant to behave but dammit there were too many other options.

However on a plus side, I've laughed continuously, sworn endlessly, drunk ridiculously, talked relentlessly, made new friends and forged stronger friendships. I've put 25 hours in my day and missed nothing. Travelled non stop and never stood still. I've run from jet lag and hangovers, crossed date lines and lines in the sand, never allowing convention or fatigue to hold me back.

I hope you never know the loss I've endured but I do hope you do know the luck, love and life that I have been given.
So rather than your goals for 2016, to be accomplishing the goals of 2015, which you should have done in 2014 and 2013, because you made a promise in 2012 and planned in 2011, how about this instead.
New Years resolutions will be to endeavour to never disappoint or be disappointed, to never sit still or be quiet, to constantly be glib, facile and irreverent. To never grow up(growing old is compulsory but growing up is optional) or for that matter, never grow out or to never suffer fools too long.
I'm hoping this year to make hundreds more inappropriate, witty retorts, pictures and memories, drunk or sober.......and rest assured I will never let you down, just myself and any other responsible adult who might be watching.
Here's to a year of more social media shaming, praising, recognising and challenging. To endlessly throwing pass remarkable comments worthy of champions, making direct hits.

Let's have a year of styling out moves, like that crack whore dancing for rent, continuously acting like we self medicate rohypnol, refusing no opportunity. No more limiting ourselves, let's start a personal intervention now! (that's not a euphemism for touching yourself BTW)

This year can we please cure hangovers and mediocre, try to avoid beige and mundane, all the sooner the better please....because here's the rub, we're not getting any younger and do you know, some people just need a high five (in the face, with a chair).

I wish you all the very best that you deserve and ironically let's raise a glass to more alcohol fuelled nights of laughter, days packed with adventure, surrounded by friends and family (that you like), turning those resolutions into reservations and let's keep going. I hope next year we all get 365 days and enjoy each one, always finding a reason to smile.
If you're living your life without giving a 'f' then you're living a li()e

Happy New year!

So as we herald the new year, I reflect on the last. Losing friends(I don't mean facebook culling), leaving friends(season, reason, life in prison) and making so many new ones. It's been a roller coaster year of travel and fun. And December was a very fitting end to the crazy year. 

 

In Windsor for the annual '12 pubs of christmas', it proved a great start to the festivities. The challenging 12 pubs in 6 hours ended up with more drinks than pubs, WTF!?!?

 Thankfully we didn't go for a 'nativity scened theme' this year but for Christmas jumpers and onesies.........I feared it would prove too challenging finding three wise men and a virgin in Windsor, so shagging reindeer jumpers won the day. 

 It was a crazy night, not crazy like an ageing ballerina or crazy like a grown up child prodigy.......oh god or even crazy like a professional magician that does balloon blowing up.........but crazy like a loon, it was an alcohol fuelled night of laughs and fun. Over 30 finished the course and no one died, win win. I do love December and Santa's birthday. 

So Happy New Year to you all, here's to another year of shameful binge drinking, eating and/or merrymaking. More travel, fun and continuous running from growing up. More adventures and challenges, always when your head says "don't do it" but heart says "do it"......as long as your stomach doesn't then say "supersize it".

Let the New Year bring social media consciousness to a level of total disinterest in banal, platitudinous rhetoric or cries of mediocrity. Here's to shaming, praising, recognising and throwing pass remarkable comments worthy of champions. I'm hoping to make hundreds of drunk, inappropriate, witty retorts, pictures and memories.......rest assured I will never let you down, just myself, my Mother and any other responsible adults who might be watching. 

I will raise the bar on ridiculous quips, photo situations and downloads; sharing mercilessly and hopefully making my parents eyes roll....I can just imagine them both looking down, head in hands :)

Let's raise our glass to a great year, here's to health and happiness. Hoping your X's become XL's and remembering bitches, life isn't a fairytale, if you lose a shoe at midnight.......go home, your drunk x

Christmas Markets

Christmas markets

Arriving in Frankfurt for the start of our festivities. High expectations, feeling festive coupled with low attention thresholds, thirsty for culture, beer and did I say beer?!

A few Cardinal rules for arrival into a big city, you're perhaps unfamiliar with and unsure of the language, are as follows.....

If you see a man walking towards you with an open bottle of wine, don't engage in conversation.....not unless in his other hand he's clutching two crystal glasses. It's a good litmus test of looney. This is also extended to carrying a bottle of beer, cans and/or anything unidentifiable being waved toward you. After all it was only 9am and its not octoberfest! 

It proved invaluable as my beautiful friend seemed to draw the.....shall we say circus 'extras'. Also added to the list of 'please don't engage with' was anyone with no teeth, insisting on smiling and anyone, who had more food around their face than they could carry on a plate. 

Thankfully the city is a great mix of beauty and the inevitable beast, just like everywhere else I've visited.

 Surely it was beer o'clock somewhere and time to join this merry band of locals in their charge to inebriation and pursuit of happiness!

Glühwein and steins was only the beginning. Schnitzel and hot apple cider led the way, slowly followed by brandy hot chocolate and beer with coke. The latter proved near fatal to the day, as it could have killed the evening. The four of us decided, best keep the two beverages separate, coke should definitely only see the light of day when too much beer has been your friend, the night before!

The streets in old town, Frankfurt were lined by dozens of stalls and drink stations, specifically united to encourage the poor shopping choices. Christmas baubles, souvenirs and ornamental steins were all around, each drink made them more attractive and a definite must have......here's where the money to beer ratio works in your favour. By the time your drunk enough to buy them, you've no money left. Thankfully that's one walk of shame we're spared. And as we know, procrastination, is the art of keeping up with yesterday, let's regret those souvenirs till next time.

Seated alongside rows of happy beer and Glühwein swillers, the party is in full swing. The atmosphere is New Years like and everyone seems on a festive high.

 Two new merry makers arrive, sitting nearby, an obvious married couple. He's wearing a tarnished emerald biker jacket, she's rocking a bat wing sleeved, leather jacket in either Congo pink or fandango......I had to google those. They were obviously time travellers from the 80's or just walked out of the darkest depths of a Bavarian Forest. On greeting them and welcoming them to the table in our perfect, alcohol fuelled German, we discover they are from plymouth. Exit stage left.

I think we managed to explore all the markets, even the pink market(don't ask, don't tell), met loads of fun people and drank our fair share of Christmas cheer. Left with an indelible impression of Frankfurt....and I think we left them with one of us. 

Scared straight.......

I sincerely apologise to the young gay man, flanked by fag hags, walking along the promenade today. However in my defence, jet lagged and just back from my run, walking alongside colin(my partner) and having a serious conversation about a good friend of ours....isn't really the time to try and engage me. So playful, flirting banter as it might be, to mimic repeat a comment of "oh yes really" with your limp sibilant lisp, accent and demeanour didn't get the response you were hoping. In fact the subsequent acerbic flood of A level induced fowl french, surprised me too. The vitriolic comments would not have made my mother proud, but my father would definitely be pleased. I, not only conjugated well, but utilised as many adjectives for the young man, whilst explaining with many verbs, of what he should do to himself, plus lots of adverbs, of how it was possible. I wish my A level teacher could have seen me, as long as she wasn't carrying her red felt pen to change anything, I'd be pleased.

In my defence I had endured, four nights out of bed in seven days, that doesn't make for polite introductions or small talk. Maybe it was the intrusion into deep conversation, or the little regard for the gravity of what we discussed, anyway, I think it's lesson learnt. I promise next time 'I'll walk on by'........although, I don't think Sybil really meant that when she sang about it....I'm sure she would have given him a slam. Sybil didn't suffer fools, well in my head anyway.

Let's face it, my silent prayers of 'God give the strength to have more patience' may not be answered.....Segway to heaven and he's up there thinking 'I can't do anything for the Middle East, world poverty or global warming but hell, I'd better help Simon be more patient' is highly unlikely. So I'll try my best and hope there isn't a next time.





M